Entry: seven hundred thirty-eight.
Seven hundred thirty-seven I think anyways. The days seem to blend together of late.
It didn't take much, some browsing around, looking for new material while working on a personal project...and I found some really good finds. Before I knew it, I found myself sifting through them.
And then I found myself thinking that nothing I logged recently was as good as some of these new finds. Not really the effect I was looking for, if you catch my drift. It was a bit unsettling, one of those unwelcome shocks to the system that at the same time makes you realize you can't continue on the course you're on. It could really be the case that they are simply more talented, but that wasn't the sinking realization I'd encountered.
It turns out that I actually don't feel all that great about my recent logs. They're more detached than they used to be, less filled with emotion and action than they were. The old flames, once bright and scorching hot, now burn far less intensely than before.
It also turns out that I encounter a similar feeling when considering my current available material. Some remains excellent, but there are more times lately where I come across a series of entries that I've got no interest in exploring them and simply let them pass by.
That vacation solved some problems, but it seems it may be responsible for others.
I've been too passive lately. Busy, but passive. Even as slow as activity in Querious has been, people in my alliance have been getting on quite a few kills. It's the reverse of two months ago, where the alliance was in my situation and I'm in theirs. The solution for them was roams farther from home: necessary, if a bit tedious, but worth it in the end. I didn't find myself complaining or blanching at the trips then, but now I do. I've had no desire to roam, none to leave Cascade space. It was only happenstance that I ran across that Merlin in GJ0- and had some real combat.
That needs to change, for my own health and state of mind. It has nothing to do with anything beyond a personal level. I simply need to go beyond alliance space and find that passion I once had.
I think I may reduce my frequency with these logs a bit, until I can rediscover what I've lost...I don't have a desire to waste anyone's time with halfhearted updates...
Computer: terminate recording.